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ya'll eating chicken wings we eating lobster and s


So your boy might be moving to New York next month and kinda needs to prepare since I'll just need to pick up and leave. Any top 5 list or some shit for carpetbaggeurs moving there? I should have a place to stay for a month or so. Any advice on apartment search? I'm looking at Manhattan and know that I'll likely have to pay a grip but how much would I be looking at for a studio? Any of these questions stupid?
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White Entitlement Rap


8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

'We're Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,' Entire Populace Reports

NEW YORK???At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here???I hate it here," and "Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of the Holland and Lincoln tunnels, and the area's three major airports were flooded with New Yorkers, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 20 million tons of concrete wasn't constantly suffocating them.

"I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, fuck that. I don't need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being."

"You see this?" added McQuade, pointing at a real estate listing for a duplex in Hagerstown, MD. "Two bedrooms, two baths, a den???a fucking den???and a patio. Twelve hundred a month. That's total, not per person."

According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow.

Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and fucking on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people.

In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase "Only in New York" is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.

"I was sitting on my stoop, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over," Bronx resident Sarah Perez, 37, said. "Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here."

"This place sucks," Manhattan resident Woody Allen, 74, told reporters. "It just fucking sucks."

When fleeing New Yorkers were asked if they would miss the city's iconic landmarks, most responded that Central Park is just a pathetic excuse for experiencing actual nature, that the Brooklyn Bridge is great but it's just a fucking bridge, that nobody goes to the Met anyway, and that living in a dingy, grime-caked apartment while exhaust fumes from an idling truck seep through your bedroom window isn't worth slightly bigger bagels.

"This is no place to raise a kid, that's for sure," said 32-year-old Brandon Rushing, a lifelong New Yorker. "I grew up here and I turned into a giant asshole. Why would I want that for my son?"

"Plus, we're the place most likely to get nuked by a dirty bomb in a terrorist attack," he added. "So that's great. Also, it smells like shit here, and I'm not exaggerating. You'll just be walking around and it starts smelling like human shit, and it just fills your nostrils and you breathe in shit for like 20 seconds."

Before departing by private helicopter, Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke with members of the media to address the situation.

"You know what the greatest city in the world is?" Bloomberg asked reporters. "Scottsdale, Arizona. It's clean, it's not too big, it's got a couple streets with shops and restaurants, and the people there aren't fucking insane. This place is fucking insane. And by the way, that's not a reason to like it. Anyone who says that is a delusional dirtbag."

By Tuesday night, New York was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some 10 million Los Angeles???area residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of four distinct seasons, and yearning for the hustle and bustle of East Coast life, had already begun repopulating the city.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/84-million-new-yorkers-suddenly-realize-new-york-c,18003/
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ya'll eating chicken wings we eating lobster and s


haha, minus all the asshole talk and change a few numbers and you have hawaii
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no need to be pimped


Brian - 28 December 2011 08:11 PM
So your boy might be moving to New York next month and kinda needs to prepare since I'll just need to pick up and leave. Any top 5 list or some shit for carpetbaggeurs moving there? I should have a place to stay for a month or so. Any advice on apartment search? I'm looking at Manhattan and know that I'll likely have to pay a grip but how much would I be looking at for a studio? Any of these questions stupid?


I moved here about 15 months ago. You can find something moderately reasonable in Manhattan (depending on your definition of reasonable), but you're going to have to live uptown (Jonny could tell you apartment rates in Harlem) or maybe the Lower East Side? Is it even reasonable to live there any more? I don't know. Apartment hunting in New York fucking sucks. Straight up. If I were you, I'd look to the boroughs for something closer to affordable rent-wise, but I don't know what your situation is.
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errant movement


Congratulations! You're making the move!
Link DBCooper - I believe he is the most recent SStrut transplant. If memory serves - he went ahead of time to secure a place...

edit - nevermind.
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ya'll eating chicken wings we eating lobster and s


DB_Cooper - 28 December 2011 08:24 PM
Brian - 28 December 2011 08:11 PM
So your boy might be moving to New York next month and kinda needs to prepare since I'll just need to pick up and leave. Any top 5 list or some shit for carpetbaggeurs moving there? I should have a place to stay for a month or so. Any advice on apartment search? I'm looking at Manhattan and know that I'll likely have to pay a grip but how much would I be looking at for a studio? Any of these questions stupid?


I moved here about 15 months ago. You can find something moderately reasonable in Manhattan (depending on your definition of reasonable), but you're going to have to live uptown (Jonny could tell you apartment rates in Harlem) or maybe the Lower East Side? Is it even reasonable to live there any more? I don't know. Apartment hunting in New York fucking sucks. Straight up. If I were you, I'd look to the boroughs for something closer to affordable rent-wise, but I don't know what your situation is.
I really want to live in Manhattan because I'm probably going to be working ridiculous hours and the shorter the commute, the more sleep I will get.

bassie - 28 December 2011 08:26 PM
Congratulations! You're making the move!
Link DBCooper - I believe he is the most recent SStrut transplant. If memory serves - he went ahead of time to secure a place...
Thanks but this isn't 100% yet. Pretty good lead but if I make the move, I'm really going to have to pack up and leave so I'm trying to line up what I can in advance.
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no need to be pimped


Brian - 28 December 2011 08:45 PM
DB_Cooper - 28 December 2011 08:24 PM
Brian - 28 December 2011 08:11 PM
So your boy might be moving to New York next month and kinda needs to prepare since I'll just need to pick up and leave. Any top 5 list or some shit for carpetbaggeurs moving there? I should have a place to stay for a month or so. Any advice on apartment search? I'm looking at Manhattan and know that I'll likely have to pay a grip but how much would I be looking at for a studio? Any of these questions stupid?


I moved here about 15 months ago. You can find something moderately reasonable in Manhattan (depending on your definition of reasonable), but you're going to have to live uptown (Jonny could tell you apartment rates in Harlem) or maybe the Lower East Side? Is it even reasonable to live there any more? I don't know. Apartment hunting in New York fucking sucks. Straight up. If I were you, I'd look to the boroughs for something closer to affordable rent-wise, but I don't know what your situation is.
I really want to live in Manhattan because I'm probably going to be working ridiculous hours and the shorter the commute, the more sleep I will get.


What part of Manhattan you working in? Pretty much every subway line goes from the boroughs through Manhattan, and the trains run 24/7. You could live in Long Island City and be in midtown in 10 minutes. Or you could live in parts of Brooklyn and be downtown in 10 minutes, etc.
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ya'll eating chicken wings we eating lobster and s


DB_Cooper - 28 December 2011 08:48 PM
Brian - 28 December 2011 08:45 PM
DB_Cooper - 28 December 2011 08:24 PM
Brian - 28 December 2011 08:11 PM
So your boy might be moving to New York next month and kinda needs to prepare since I'll just need to pick up and leave. Any top 5 list or some shit for carpetbaggeurs moving there? I should have a place to stay for a month or so. Any advice on apartment search? I'm looking at Manhattan and know that I'll likely have to pay a grip but how much would I be looking at for a studio? Any of these questions stupid?


I moved here about 15 months ago. You can find something moderately reasonable in Manhattan (depending on your definition of reasonable), but you're going to have to live uptown (Jonny could tell you apartment rates in Harlem) or maybe the Lower East Side? Is it even reasonable to live there any more? I don't know. Apartment hunting in New York fucking sucks. Straight up. If I were you, I'd look to the boroughs for something closer to affordable rent-wise, but I don't know what your situation is.
I really want to live in Manhattan because I'm probably going to be working ridiculous hours and the shorter the commute, the more sleep I will get.


What part of Manhattan you working in? Pretty much every subway line goes from the boroughs through Manhattan, and the trains run 24/7. You could live in Long Island City and be in midtown in 10 minutes. Or you could live in parts of Brooklyn and be downtown in 10 minutes, etc.
And this shows how much I actually know about New York, haha. Uh, I guess it would be Midtown East? I don't even know if that's Manhattan now that I think about it.
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Get the address of your work place and figure out which trains work best as far as the commute. That should give you an idea of where you want to live if you're going to work long hours.

Good luck!
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Bad brain is a terrible waste


Midtown East is just Midtown where everybody and their mama works.

Think this shit thru. One month and you got no clue?????

The shit is expensive and some of the Manhattan hoods are suspect despite doorman and food delivery.

Like DB said u could live in Astoria, Greenpoint, and other outer spots w/ all the other Madonna muthafuckas get to work on time.

I dont see you as an Uptown cat. But I could be wrong. But dont sleep on UWS & UES.

U wont be commuting for more than an hour if u play your cards right. My shit is 40 mins to L.I.C. Queens from The Bronx.

Have u been here before?
Party Animal or past that?
Scared of Black People?
Like your Milk over-priced?
Can you deal with noise?
Eat out alot or kitchen skills?

If u ballin' fusk it. Do Manhattan.
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errant movement


batmon - 28 December 2011 09:14 PM

Have u been here before?
Party Animal or past that?
Scared of Black People?
Like your Milk over-priced?
Can you deal with noise?
Eat out alot or kitchen skills?


I love NYC! Real estate considerations double as dating compatibility questions!
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Bad brain is a terrible waste


bassie - 28 December 2011 09:20 PM
batmon - 28 December 2011 09:14 PM

Have u been here before?
Party Animal or past that?
Scared of Black People?
Like your Milk over-priced?
Can you deal with noise?
Eat out alot or kitchen skills?


I love NYC! Real estate considerations double as dating compatibility questions!


^^^Jersey City^^^^
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Seatown 206


And this shows how much I actually know about New York, haha. Uh, I guess it would be Midtown East? I don't even know if that's Manhattan now that I think about it.

Brian,

You need to get realistic if you are really planning on moving to NYC soon. A nice studio apartment in Manhattan will be very expensive and you will need to hire a real estate agent to help you get a good place. Forget trying to find a place by yourself. You need to study a map and history of NYC ASAP. Are you going to be making A LOT of money? Manhattan is expensive. You might be able to afford a place way uptown like Inwood/Washington Heights area, maybe Harlem but if you are working in midtown you could find places outside of Manhattan that would be cheaper and make for a short commute. Harlem would not be too far. You are going to need to look at spots in Queens like Jackson Heights and Corona. Spots in BK like Bushwick and Brownsville. You should check Jersey City too. I think you have no idea how expensive nice apartments are in Manhattan.
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ya'll eating chicken wings we eating lobster and s


batmon - 28 December 2011 09:14 PM
Midtown East is just Midtown where everybody and their mama works.

Think this shit thru. One month and you got no clue?????
This opportunity kinda just came up and I would have to start as soon as possible. I would also be kinda dumb to turn it down because I didn't have living arrangements settled. I have a few places I can stay for a while until I find my own place and some money saved up so I'm not too worried on that front.

The shit is expensive and some of the Manhattan hoods are suspect despite doorman and food delivery.

Like DB said u could live in Astoria, Greenpoint, and other outer spots w/ all the other Madonna muthafuckas get to work on time.

I dont see you as an Uptown cat. But I could be wrong. But dont sleep on UWS & UES.

U wont be commuting for more than an hour if u play your cards right. My shit is 40 mins to L.I.C. Queens from The Bronx.
I don't really care where I live as long as it's nearby, my apartment or myself doesn't get robbed on a regular basis, and there's a bar or liquor store nearby. I would really love to walk to work but I don't see that being realistic.

Have u been here before?

Once four years ago.
Party Animal or past that?

I still go out but I have no idea what work is going to be like so I probably won't be going out much initially.
Scared of Black People?

I think I'm okay with black people.
Like your Milk over-priced?

Don't drink milk (lactose intolerance-related)
Can you deal with noise?

I'm going to need to get as much sleep as I can so it really depends if it's noise vs noise at all hours of the day.
Eat out alot or kitchen skills?

No kitchen skills but want to be forced to develop them, I guess?
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I predict: 50th Ave, Long Island City
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ya'll eating chicken wings we eating lobster and s


Big_Chan - 28 December 2011 09:36 PM
And this shows how much I actually know about New York, haha. Uh, I guess it would be Midtown East? I don't even know if that's Manhattan now that I think about it
Brian,

You need to get realistic if you are really planning on moving to NYC soon. A nice studio apartment in Manhattan will be very expensive and you will need to hire a real estate agent to help you get a good place. Forget trying to find a place by yourself. You need to study a map and history of NYC ASAP. Are you going to be making A LOT of money? Manhattan is expensive. You might be able to afford a place way uptown like Inwood/Washington Heights area, maybe Harlem but if you are working in midtown you could find places outside of Manhattan that would be cheaper and make for a short commute. Harlem would not be too far. You are going to need to look at spots in Queens like Jackson Heights and Corona. Spots in BK like Bushwick and Brownsville. You should check Jersey City too. I think you have no idea how expensive nice apartments are in Manhattan.
Thanks man, I'll take a look into those places. I don't need to be living completely on the cheap and I'm kind of thinking right now that I would rather overpay and ease into my transition; at least for the first year. I'd rather spend more money and not be pissed off with my daily commute. I already deal with an hour long commute on this fucking island and hate it so much.

Ok, so beyond living arrangements, any other ideas/general wisdom/tips to not look like a tourist?
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Organic Sock Monkey


Brian - 28 December 2011 10:28 PM
Ok, so beyond living arrangements, any other ideas/general wisdom/tips to not look like a tourist?


Learn to walk properly on a busy sidewalk - in a straight line and no sudden stops.
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Bad brain is a terrible waste


Horseleech - 28 December 2011 10:33 PM
Brian - 28 December 2011 10:28 PM
Ok, so beyond living arrangements, any other ideas/general wisdom/tips to not look like a tourist?


Learn to walk properly on a busy sidewalk - in a straight line and no sudden stops.



Cop a Yankee cap...........
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ya'll eating chicken wings we eating lobster and s


batmon - 28 December 2011 10:43 PM
Horseleech - 28 December 2011 10:33 PM
Brian - 28 December 2011 10:28 PM
Ok, so beyond living arrangements, any other ideas/general wisdom/tips to not look like a tourist?


Learn to walk properly on a busy sidewalk - in a straight line and no sudden stops.



Cop a Yankee cap...........
I got the walking down, don't wear hats, and don't watch sports.
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Bad brain is a terrible waste


Brian - 28 December 2011 10:46 PM
batmon - 28 December 2011 10:43 PM
Horseleech - 28 December 2011 10:33 PM
Brian - 28 December 2011 10:28 PM
Ok, so beyond living arrangements, any other ideas/general wisdom/tips to not look like a tourist?


Learn to walk properly on a busy sidewalk - in a straight line and no sudden stops.



Cop a Yankee cap...........
I got the walking down, don't wear hats, and don't watch sports.


Roosevelt Island
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ed After Dark | Brooklyn, NYC


Haha, Batmon.

Yo Brian, I *might* have leads on a studio apartment sublet in the East Village (Manhattan, off the L train at 1st Ave.) if you want to buy you some time. I know it sucks to move more than once if you don't have to, but it's also good to do some research before you commit to a signing a year long lease.

I'll report back.
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