Hey Raj,
First of all, let me say that I truly empathize with what you're facing. Please know that I am here to support you and others who face issues with anxiety. I too have dealt with anxiety, particularly as it pertained to achievement-related pursuits. Initially, I faced anxiety in relation to my doctoral program, worrying about whether I was up to the challenges involved in doing well in my classes, serving as a research/teaching assistant, and completing my thesis, dissertation, and other research projects. The second occasion that I dealt with serious anxiety was going through the tenure-track as an assistant professor, having to publish a sufficient number of research papers, earn adequate teaching ratings, and perform required departmental/university service activities. During the tenure-track process, I would stay up working until 1AM or 2AM, and then go to bed ruminating about research and other work activities I needed to complete. As a result, I suffered from serious insomnia for years. Eventually, this culminated into me spending a week in the hospital as a result of the stress. This served as a wake-up call, led to a turning point in my life, making me question the value of placing so much stake in achieving "success."
In both cases, it help me to put the various achievement-oriented activities in a larger life perspective. What I found is that it didn't make much sense to put so much stake in such matters, to the detriment of my well-being. I realized that at the end of the day, peace of mind and well-being should matter far more than the things to which we aspire. Because, if we are not well, and stress/anxiety will cumulatively result in poor health, and potentially, mortality, what we have achieved doesn't matter much. Think of the terminally-ill rich man who would give up all of his worldly possessions to enjoy good health.
Another thing you can do is to focus on doing the things that bring you joy, as these will make you well-rounded and help you to not put all your stake on what you're trying to achieve. Our identities should not be wrapped up solely in the pursuit of wealth, achievement, and the like. Instead, our identities should be comprised of varied activities that bring us joy, benefits others, and leave a legacy of a life well lived and a contribution to humanity. I credit this perspective to my father, who taught my brother and I that we should strive to leave a mark on the world before we die. I wish you well, Raj, and I hope my words give you comfort and perspective.
Peace,
Big Stacks from Kakalak
