Letters to things and people

[motown67]

Dear electricity,

Why did you go off last night and not tell me? Luckily I woke up at 5am to go take a piss and noticed that you were not on. Everything went OK for a while because I still woke up on time to go to work and take my kid to school at 6:30, that was until I walked outside. Then Mr. Electricity you pulled a fast one on me and wouldn't let me get into the garage with the electric door ! So I had to get the girlfriend up and have her take him to school on the bus and I had to walk to fuckin work! Thank you and my feet thank you too!

 

[Grafwritah]

Then Mr. Electricity you pulled a fast one on me and wouldn't let me get into the garage with the electric door !

You should have a key that releases it...


Just like I should have one...

 

[schnipper]

dear getting really drunki because you finished college
this is what i did tonight ooh i am real drunk and didn't call the girl i am seeing because i didnt really feel like it and wanted to chill with people i am close with
schnipper

 

[Swayze]

* * * * *

Dear KingMost,

You're a horrible speller (and what's with leaving ENTIRE WORDS outta your posts?), but you're a damn good friend. Thanks for hookin' up a brother up with gigs when needed.

Grammatically,
Signore Viatore

* * * * *

Dear Rass Hagg:


I thought I improved.


Regards
Yung Phawnikz


******************

Dear "real world movez"

Plaese to continue hollering


*****************

Dear mixtape intro beat

You better fuckin' work, I need to get this tape out and in the hands of fellow Scion-Hopers

*****************

Dear 50 Cent's "Imma build you up" Beat

Scott Storch kilted it. You've been in my head all day *ay yo?*

****************

Dear ********** ****

No hard feelings, I hope this really works for you and you don't regret it. Do your thing and I'll keep doing mine.

Grown and loyal
P.King

 

[Hotsauce84]

Dear King Moist, Daze, Tate, Karlito & Chasecrusher,





Thanks for being good dudes. Most of you I've met via Soulstrut and the last thing I ever expected from "fucking around on a messageboard" was to meet folks that I would consider real world friendz. Random phone calls, text-messages and emails put a smile on my face. Y'all are like brothers from another motherboard*. I gots mad love to give, you're my people.





Herm





* Patent Pending (Hotsauce Slanguage 2005)





*************************************





Dearest D*wn,





Mijita, I'm sorry. I know you "really really" like me, but I can't be what you want me to be. I'm just not ready. And you're exactly right, the little emails and voicemails are making me feel uncomfortable. I still want to be your friend, but the more you make certain things available to me, the more I feel like I'm taking advantage. Normally, I'd be game, but that damn halo over your head always leaves me with a guilty conscience. I'm sorry.





Mr. Trying To Be Good





*************************************





Dear M**s,





Dude. DUDE. You got a tough ass decision to make. I hope our talk helped. I trust that whatever you decide, you'll follow through 100% and do the right thing. You know I'm here for you either way. GRAFFITI ROCK POR VIDA, HOLMES!





Herm





P.S. If and when the news breaks, you KNOW I'ma brag how I was the first to know, right?





***************************************





Dear T*na,





Damn, why you gotta be so goddamned giving? I owe you like 4 now. You better stretch, girl.





Mr. Lubba Lubba





**************************************





Dear feet,





You're 30 years old! Why the fuck you still growing?! That's no bueno for an Newbie head such as myself. What the fuck do you expect me to do with all them 9-and-a-halves?! Some of those I'll never be able to replace! Please shrink back down or I will be forced to cut you down to size.





Sir Limp-A-Lot





***************************************





Dear Self,





Get up, get out and get something. For reals, dude, the sun's out 'til 7pm these days and the weather is lovely. Why you ain't taking advantage of it? JOG, BITCH! It's not like you're being productive sitting your ass at home! No more excuses, lazy motherfucker. DO IT.





Mr. Hocus Pocus Where's Your Focus?





****************************************





wishful thinking





Dear *insert Strutter name here*,





Plaese to pick up that Amerie "Love's Off The Chain" white label for me. I can't find that shit anywhere! Well, I did find it at that online store but those fools are trying to charge me $15(!) shipping. If you know where I can find it, please direct me there. If you have an extra or know where you can buy it, tell me where to send PayPal.





Thanks in advance!





Herm

 

[jaybreezie]

Dear Letters to Friends and People,

I've always enjoyed you and I'm not sure why I've never posted in regards to you, but better late than never.

- A Schnipper proponent


Dear Mom,

It was fun hanging out last night and thanks for being so chill about seeing Sin City even though it was not "your kind of movie". You seem to keep getting cooler and cooler as the years go by. I am proud and appreciative.

- Your eldest


Dear record collection,

This has been quite a task burning you on to mp3, hasn't it? I'm very happy to have you in such and easy to transport and distribute format, but god dam when will this be OVER? Your "S" section has been a real bitch with all those Pharoah Sanders and Mongo Santamaria records you contain. I know we're entering the home stretch now, so let's stay focused and hopefully by the time this is finally over in the next few weeks, I'll have retained my sanity and the good music loving folks I hang with will have some cool mixes to enjoy.

- Your burner/filer/obsoletionist


Dear Gil Scott-Heron - Pieces of a Man,

Thanks for reminding me why the collection burning will be worth it in the end. Lady Day and John Coltrane needs to get heard by people who have no idea who you are. You saved me the other night.

- Your cheerleader


Dear Maru, Ms. Damn, and all other A's fan strutters,

Holler at your fellow enthusiast if anyone wants to hit up some games this spring and summer. I'm usually there like twice a week week when they're home. Hopefully Dotel was an aberation the last two days and the hitting gets better. Otherwise we might need each other for moral support...

- jaybreezie

PS - bring your AAA card. Mine expired last year and I feel guilty showing it to get cheap tickets. I heard they're doing the pepsi cans again this year, but I haven't seen them in SF. Maybe they're only in the East Bay?

 

[djdaze]

Dear M**s

name dropper

 

[djdaze]

Dear Herm,

Thanks man, the feeling is mutual. Whoda thunk the "dude who needed fonts that never got back to me" would end up being a Homie.

Dear Jairo,

I miss you so much it makes me wake up crying in the middle of the night. I told you how much I loved you many times in the last 15 years so there's no regrets there, I just wish we had more time together to conquer the world. I'mma do it in your name though.

Dear Ex,

why the fuck do I still miss you? argh

Dear green chile,

mmmm

Dear Kswiss,

I'll rock you forever, despite what Herm says.

 

[undertheradar]

****************************************

wishful thinking

Dear *insert Strutter name here*,

Plaese to pick up that Amerie "Love's Off The Chain" white label for me. I can't find that shit anywhere! Well, I did find it at that online store but those fools are trying to charge me $15(!) shipping. If you know where I can find it, please direct me there. If you have an extra or know where you can buy it, tell me where to send PayPal.

Thanks in advance!

Herm

Dear Herm,
I will keep on the lookout. I saw at a shop here in San Diego and will probably be going there this weekend.
Love,
Phil

Dear Mr L-Dula,
I'm sorry about lagging on the CD, I will try and finish it with in the next two weeks but my schedule is officially hectic for the next 2 weeks.

PhillyPhil (but from San Diego)

Dear Maui,
I will be visiting you for a wedding next weekend. Please provide good weather, nice waves, pretty girls and good food. A little record shopping wouldn't hurt either.

thanks!
new to Maui

 

[drewnice]

Dear Jerome James,

You are the dumbest lazy piece of shit I have ever seen play the Center position.

I hope no team signs you and you have to play in Russia next year. Way to wear a garbage bag around your head after we beat the Queens. That was dope.

#1 Sonics Fan,
Wizzle

Feeling better about this after last night?

 

[Hotsauce84]

Dear left nut,

Why oh why do you have to hang lower then your homeboy? I mean, seriously dude, it's fucking 100 degrees over here and you gotta get low and stick to my thigh. I wouldn't mind as much if I could move you two back and forth as needed, but nooooo....you gotta get all attached and shit. All you do is hang out all day, why the fuck you gotta get all lazy and lay down?! I look out for you, don't I? I specifically wear shorts on my day off, drive with my knee all up in the air and point that A/C vent up my leg JUST FOR YOU. Shit, I switched to boxers 18 years ago JUST FOR YOU. I even pull you two out the pee-pee hole once in a while to break the monotony. 'Member how you used to complain and shit? "I can't breathe. We're all squished together. Rightie's hair is poking me." Always whining and shit, so I switched. Gave you more freedom and more flexibility. Now all I'm asking for is a little comfort in return. Please. Don't make me spray your hairy ass with some Pam.

Herm

P.S. Just so you know, I'm considering changing your names to JakeWeezy and Bootsy. Why, you ask? 'Cause the females are always saying how much they love your SLAPZ, of course!

 

[parsec]

Oh snap- GAME OVER!! Yr killin me over here dude.

 

[Big_Stacks]

Here goes:

Dear Stomach,

Keep getting smaller! I like you better now that there's less of you. I'm gonna keep working hard on the treadmill until you disappear.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Whopper with cheese,

I sure miss you!!!! You are so juicy and tasty, but I had to give you up to lose weight. Maybe I'll visit you every now and then when I've lost the necessary amount of weight.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Chocolate,

I miss you too. I especially like you as part of Tuxedo cake. I still love you, but I had to stop eating you to drop weight. Maybe we can have an occasional rendezvous after I finish losing weight, but don't expect any commitment from me. You can't never be my main squeeze.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Cigarettes,

I wish I had never met you. I can't seem to shake you, but if I don't, you'll kill me someday. I will defeat you, damnit!!!!

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Winky Wright,

Please box tonight instead of trading punches with Felix Trinidad, so that you can beat him. If you try to slug with him, you'll get knocked out. Fight smart!!!!

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Journal Reviewers,

Please read my manuscripts thoroughly, with an open mind. Hopefully, you will then understand what me and my co-author are theorizing. Also, please hurry up because you guys took forever to review the first version of our submission.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Milwaukee,

You are a God-forsaken city. You are racist, regressive, and well on your way to becoming Youngstown, OH or Gary, IN. Your police force is evil and racially discriminatory. Your city administrators must invest more into public schools so that you can attract high-tech industry that will bring new jobs into the region. I'm hopeful that my wife and I will be leaving you soon.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear (unnamed colleague),

I think you are an evil, narcissistic bitch that will grow old alone. As long as you continue to fuck people over, you will eventually reap what you have sown. I pray for you to realize what a truly manipulative, insecure, and satanic person you are, and that you will change your ways for your benefit. Your evil ways will curse you.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Kobe Bryant,

I am glad that you are home during the playoffs. Maybe losing will teach you humility, and that you need your teammates. I think you are reaping what you've sown as far as how you treated Shaquille O'Neal and Phil Jackson. I think that you lack class, character, and balls, and that you are a selfish, egotistical individual. Maybe someday you will realize the error in your ways.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Record Collection,

I love you. You are my solace from a stressful day. Your contents sooth my soul and help me to endure the trials of life. You have always been a wonderful friend to me.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear (MC),

I'm growing impatient with our project. I wish you would focus on finishing up your lyrics so that we can complete our CD. I've grown uninterested in the whole thing because I'm tired of waiting.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Dear Billy King (or is he still the Sixers' GM),

I wish you would put together a team that can win. I'm tired of losing in the playoffs. You suck as a GM and you should be fired. You've traded several all-stars over the years, and as a result, the Sixers are a one-dimensional team.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Wow!!!! That was very cathartic. I understand the value of "letters to things and people" now.

Peace,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

 

[Grafwritah]

Dear Milwaukee,

You are a God-forsaken city. You are racist, regressive, and well on your way to becoming Youngstown, OH or Gary, IN. Your police force is evil and racially discriminatory. Your city administrators must invest more into public schools so that you can attract high-tech industry that will bring new jobs into the region. I'm hopeful that my wife and I will be leaving you soon.

Sincerely,

Big Stacks from Kakalak

Whoa whoa whoa there, those are some serious allegations you've got there. Surely it can't be that bad, more on par with shit holes like Cleveland and Detroit?

The label "Youngstown" is not to be used lightly!!

http://www.youngstown2010.com/

Comical if you're familiar with the city/area.

 

[Big_Stacks]

Dear Milwaukee,





You are a God-forsaken city. You are racist, regressive, and well on your way to becoming Youngstown, OH or Gary, IN. Your police force is evil and racially discriminatory. Your city administrators must invest more into public schools so that you can attract high-tech industry that will bring new jobs into the region. I'm hopeful that my wife and I will be leaving you soon.





Sincerely,





Big Stacks from Kakalak

Whoa whoa whoa there, those are some serious allegations you've got there. Surely it can't be that bad, more on par with shit holes like Cleveland and Detroit?





The label "Youngstown" is not to be used lightly!!

http://www.youngstown2010.com/





Comical if you're familiar with the city/area.




Yo Graf,





To me, Milwaukee is that bad. The city loses population and jobs significantly every single year. The manufacturing sector that ruled here is pretty much dead, and the populace is unprepared for more highly skilled technical work. In addition, the state's brightest members leave the state and go elsewhere, hence the term "brain drain" used to describe the decreased human capital that results from this process. To add on to this, the poor education that the masses receive from public schools here leads to disenfranchisement and crime. I'm sure these elements are really attractive to companies considering re-locating to this region (yeah, right!). These conditions will surely land Milwaukee in the fate of Youngstown, Gary, Detroit, and other dead manufacturing cities with undereducated citizens. The "skilled" folks will eventually jump ship and leave the place, which actually already occurs annually.





Peace,





Big Stacks from Kakalak

 

[Grafwritah]

To me, Milwaukee is that bad. The city loses population and jobs significantly every single year. The manufacturing sector that ruled here is pretty much dead, and the populace is unprepared for more highly skilled technical work. In addition, the state's brightest members leave the state and go elsewhere, hence the term "brain drain" used to describe the decreased human capital that results from this process. To add on to this, the poor education that the masses receive from public schools here leads to disenfranchisement and crime. I'm sure these elements are really attractive to companies considering re-locating to this region (yeah, right!). These conditions will surely land Milwaukee in the fate of Youngstown, Gary, Detroit, and other dead manufacturing cities with undereducated citizens. The "skilled" folks will eventually jump ship and leave the place, which actually already occurs annually.

I'd love to know where all these brains are going, because every single city in the midwest and northeast suffers from "brain drain" (or pull the "woe is me") Florida is loaded with senior citizens who are senile anyway and I actually haven't heard anything out of the ordinary about people moving west. So where are they going? Cleveland paper = brain drain, Akron paper = brain drain, Detroit paper = brain drain... all I can figure is that most of the brains are in India to begin with.

As far as the scale of insulting cities

least
Chicago
-
Atlanta
-
New Orleans
-
St.Louis
-
Oakland
-
Washington DC
-
Cleveland
-
Detroit
-
Baghdad
-
Youngstown / Gary / E. St L.
most

 

[el_sparko]

Dear letters to things and people thread
As a consumate lurker i've witnessed many a thread in your style and i'd like to tell you how your corny style makes me want to vomit in my mouth. I believe you draw out the pretentiousness and overly twee nature in my fellow record nerds.
Please can you stop appearing on this board, i want to be able to visit the forum you're on whilst having my dinner whilst keeping my food down at the same time.
Jake

 

[Grafwritah]

Dear letters to things and people thread
As a consumate lurker i've witnessed many a thread in your style and i'd like to tell you how your corny style makes me want to vomit in my mouth. I believe you draw out the pretentiousness and overly twee nature in my fellow record nerds.
Please can you stop appearing on this board, i want to be able to visit the forum you're on whilst having my dinner whilst keeping my food down at the same time.

This is the type of opinionated person that we need. Well, he could've used more expletives, but it was a start.

 

[hogginthefogg]

Dear word twee,
As a consummate Strutter, I've never witnessed your appearance in a thread until now and I'd like to tell you how your corny nature makes me want to vomit in my mouth. I believe you point out the pretentiousness and overly prick-like nature in my fellow record nerds.
Please can you stop appearing on this board? I want to be able to visit the forum you're on whilste having my dinner whilste keeping my food down at the same time.

 

[tom]

Dear Jake

your friend, Tom.