The Tracheotomy and the Sword
	
	One weekday afternoon here in Houston, I drove over to Fifth Ward to see these junker twins I visit with on occasion. The guys just have your random assortment of junkman-type accoutrements. Old beer signs, some records and apparently, on this day, two photo albums of homemade porn that a local had allegedly made and sold. Said the guy once played for the Kansas City Chiefs and the only thing he loved more than football was the ladies. 
	
	The building is situated at the corner of an intersection with a residential street. Remember, Houston doesn???t have any zoning laws and it???s not like the Fifth Ward would care anyways. I had struck out, the twins didn???t have any records for me that day and we were standing outside, shooting the shit and I posed my general inquiry whilst out digging in unfamiliar locales. ???Do y???all know anyone else around here that might have some records they would like to sell???? 
	
	Without missing a beat, one of the twins turns and points down the residential street and tells me to go speak to Arthur at the fifth house on the left. As dumb luck would have it, as he???s telling me this, Arthur actually walks out onto his porch. One the twins screams out his name and points at me. I thank the twins and start my way down the block. 
	
	Upon reaching his gated yard, I immediately noticed the size of this man. He???s an easy 6???5 and 300lbs, not to mention he???s had a tracheotomy and was smoking Kool Filter Kings through the nicotine-stained hole in his neck. He wore a 1990-era Chicago Bulls bucket hat and fingerless gloves and when I went to shake his hand, I realized he was missing his right pinky. 
	
	Arthur didn???t have one of those electronic vibrato robot-voice amplifiers that you see people in similar circumstances tend to have. In order for him to speak, he had to press down on the valve in his neck and could only muster slightly more than a whisper. He told me he had tons of records in his garage, so like a moth to a flame, I followed him down the driveway. 
	
	At some point, part of the garage was converted into a tiny social room, completely separate from the rest of the structure. Arthur unlocked the door and let me into a little room that a Chihuahua lived in and apparently peed in, next to a few nice-sized piles of records. Arthur walked in behind me and shut the door. 
	
	I started going through all the vinyl and occasionally Arthur would make a random question from behind me like ???Do you like to play Pacman???? 
	
	I started digging faster. 
	
	Rare local Houston disco twelves, local jazz titles like Bubbha Thomas and the Lightmen were appearing and at the same time, I came to the realization I may not be in the safest of situations. He???d randomly start belly laughing through his tracheotomy. I dug faster. 
	
	Then, I hear ???Hey man??? and I turn around to face Arthur and notice he???s pulled out a fucking ninja sword. A big, sharp fucking sword and he???s pointing it towards me from two yards away. I freeze. I don???t say a word. I???m cornered. My stomach sank; I figured I???d finally done it this time. I was going to die looking for records. How depressing! Killed by my hobby, I always imagined I???d die when my record shelves collapsed and crushed me.  Nope, I???m going to be killed by a nine-fingered man with a tracheotomy and a ninja sword, wearing a hat straight out of Do the Right Thing.
	
	He took a couple steps towards me, lifted the sword up to my neck and held it there for what felt like an eternity.  I didn???t move, I didn???t speak, and I don???t think I so much as took a breath. Arthur just looked at me for a moment, started laughing, lowered the sword and asked me I found anything I wanted to buy. 
	
	I made sure to pay him VERY WELL that day. 
	
	Oddly enough, Arthur and I ended up becoming friends and he takes me over to his friend???s homes on occasion to buy records as long as I stop by the store first so he can buy a pack of smokes. 
	
	Sometimes life is stranger than fiction.